Uncharted Thoughts.

We lucky few, to have lived and loved so fearlessly

AI FREE ZONE

Let me just begin by saying, I am engaged, and so very in love, therefore I am as happy as a man can be emotionally. If you think that thinking, or becoming emotional about a past love while in a loving relationship is wrong, try being human for a day and not some robotic vacant emotion police officer.

My first love was called Lucy, we met in high school, and we dated for four years. I remember the first time I saw her, she was in my form group, so we spend every day in the same room. I used to try and get her attention by making her laugh, most the time I think she hated it, but it was the only way I knew how to make her notice me.

She had long, thick brown hair, and big brown eyes. She had a big smile, like Julia Roberts. She liked horses, rode them and worked at a farm. She used to like cherry flavoured lip balm, and enjoyed Cheryl Coles music and fashion sense, as well as Jon Bon Jovi, he was our first concert together. I can still remember her phone number, landline and mobile. I remember where we first kissed, where she told me she loved me, and where she told me she didn’t anymore.

I still remember standing in her doorway, crying and asking her not to leave me. I remember walking through my hometown thinking the world had just ended.

My mum said that when I got back, I cried for two days straight, how I sounded like a dying animal, and how the only time I was quiet was when I passed out sleeping. She also said that I was never the same child as I was before the breakup, that she never saw the happy, full of life boy I once was again, he’d appear in moments of joy, but my first breakup was the death of him.

I used to wait for her for weeks on end. Sat in my room, at the top of the stairs, in the front room with the blinds open so I could see her coming. She never did.

I have no pictures of her, it was at a time phones were just coming in and most of the pictures I had are now in landfill somewhere. I wish I had one, so I could put it in a photo album, close it and find it in twenty years.

I don’t love her still, but I loved the time we had together. How we explored romance, love and companionship. We were two virgin souls branching out into the magical adventure of love.

For a long time, I resented her. The breakup was brutal, and she was unfaithful. Everyone I knew was involved in someway and I felt betrayed. Now, I thank her for it. Not only for the pain, and the misery, but for the way it happened. It taught me more lessons than anything else ever has.

God I am luck to have loved so fearlessly. To have been open to a person completely, vulnerable and new.

I think the first love is without a doubt one of the most special moments in a persons life. That doesn’t mean its the most you love, nor the strongest or most powerful, but it is the most unique. To be honest, it is usually the most poisonous, and toxic, but it is also the purest.

I think about her every now and then. I know she has a child, maybe two? A husband and her own business? I wonder if she thinks of me, if I ever cross her mind?

There is a saying by J.K.Rowling “Do not pity the dead Harry, Pity the living, all those who have lived without love”. I am so lucky to have loved, not only to have so fearlessly, but to have loved again, and stronger.