Uncharted Thoughts.

I have always wanted more. Not more clothes, or flashy cars or a big mansion with loads of friends and all that. I’ve always wanted to experience life at its truth. To see it all, to experience it all and to dive head first, without thinking about the consequences of my action. Eat the food, and drink the wine.

I have found happiness there of course. I’ve found all that and more. But, there has always been something missing, although I did not realise it at the time. It’s like leaving your favourite hat at a bar after a long, heavy fun night out. You remember taking it out with you, but you didn’t miss it until the day after.

Shit analogy I imagine, but for me… its perfect. Ever since I was a little boy, all I wanted to be was a father (As well as a explorer and writer and rock-star) . I wanted a house, kids, a dog, more kids, a wife, another dog, more kids… six to be exact. Then, like most of us, I went through a awful breakup. It was the first time I ever felt real betrayal.

See, I was told from, about 6 years of age onwards that I was a dumb ass. Sometimes to my face, other times just because the school system made me feel that way. I was told I was going to flip burgers and serve milkshakes from a machine. So, I decided, fine. I’ll be a dumb-ass, I’ll be a dumb ass dad of six with a wife and two dogs.

Then, like clock-work, after finishing school. The girl I was going to marry, decided to cheat on me. So not only was I a dumb ass, but I was a single dumb ass. A single dumb ass who had put all his cards in one basket.

Now I don’t hold a grudge on my first girlfriend, I mean I did, for years. But I don’t anymore and haven’t for sometime. We were young, I put so much pressure on the relationship because it was the only thing I ever had going for me. I loved her very much, and in some ways I always will. Not in a romantic way, that ship sailed. But I will always love her for being there for me throughout the most confusing parts of my life.

We were together for, fiveish years, 13 – 17. We were inseparable for those five years. I mean we did everything together. We got teenage house party drunk together, we lost our virginities together, we went horse riding together on weekends, we would be on MSN together after school, we got our first phones and would stay up until the early hours talking. It was, very much a teenage love story. I can’t help but smile about it even now.

But, the best thing that could have ever happened to me, did happen. In the form of betrayal. She slept with another guy at school, while I was at college.

This hit me on more levels than I could imagine. The girl I was 100% convinced would be my wife in 5 or so years had betrayed me. That slim dream of a life with kids, a dog and a house was torn away in a moment. But worst of all, the reason I believe it happened, was because I was to stupid to go to 6th form. I had no grades and had to go to college on the other side of the city. Away from her. It was my stupidity that made me loose her. Because I was absent.

Now, I was going to flip burgers for the rest of my life…. without the house, the kids, the dog and the wife. I was doomed.

So, we had the hat. I left the house with it. Then, I tripped on the way to the pub and fell on my ass while waving goodbye to my parents.

It took me years. I mean years and years to get over this breakup. A unhealthy amount of time. If I had to guess how long it took before I really, I mean really got over it. I’d say five years. I was about 22/23 when I finally found my feet again.

At first I’d just kind of, walk around all mopy and sad and not talk to anyone. (That’s me standing up). Then I made some friends who liked to drink and party and get fucked up beyond belief. So I did that… for a long time. That’s me at the bar, the hat is long gone. The dream is dead. No kids, no wife, no dog, no house. Gone. Not interested.

While in my drinking stage I was also in my hate all woman stage (besides my mum and sister). I mean, I was mean. I never hurt them, like physically, or tormented them. But if they came near me, I would treat them like trash. I’d either sleep with them and never call them or text them. Or, I’d just be a absolute prick.

Then I went to uni, had a couple girlfriends and things mellowed out. I don’t know what this part is in the analogy. I suppose walking home drunk. I get to the door and I close it.

I finish uni. I am single and I am ready to work.

(I wake up)

I go down stairs and I make breakfast. My head is killing. But, I feel good. I had a great time. I recall some of the fun I had. I smile. I put my toast in my mouth. Nice. Orange juice. Lovely.

Wait… where’s my hat. (You meet, THE girl)

Wait… what the hell. Where’s my hat?

That girl makes you feel… special… wanted… and not stupid.

I left it at the bar… FUCK.

You get back to the bar, you walk in. (This is an analogy of, what I like to call, the stumble.)

The stumble, is when you find the girl, you fall in love. Then, all of a sudden you are pulled back. Ohhhh shit, no wait, hang on, what? That moment. When you realise that the life you’ve been living was fun, and spontaneous and you never had to think about anyone else’s feeling. Why do I feel so restricted? (Btw this doesn’t mean that the girl you fell in love with isn’t a dictator, it’s just a shock to the system)

The bar tender ask if you want a drink. You are about to say “Fuck it, hair of the dog” when all of a sudden… out of the corner of your eye. You see…your hat.

Just on a coat hanger by the door. There’s the dog, the house, the wife, the kids. Just sat there, waiting for you.

Where they’ve been all this time. You don’t know.

You, put the hat on. It’s not fitting right at first. Probs got a shit load of beer stains on it. Some fat girl sat on it at some point. But it doesn’t take long before you straighten it out. And it fits as though it was never gone in the first place.

What a wild time that hat must have had that night… but its back, and it feel good.

Now, I am 29. I’ve found the girl. I have the degree. BUT, we don’t have the rest. In fact, we don’t have shit.

We gotta build everything from the ground up. Have shit jobs. Save. Move out. Save. Go on holidays. Save…

One task away from paradise. Always.