Uncharted Thoughts.

I go on google and type in ‘long distance relationship advice’, not because I need the advice, but as an experiment. 9/10 articles or posts are from the perspective of the girlfriend / wife of the couple. Very rarely do I see the perspective of the man, and to some I imagine this can be quite out-casting or confusing.

So I thought I would give insight into my own long distance relationship and give the opinion from a male perspective. Not in an attempt to separate the sexes, perhaps this will help women better understand the feelings of their partner, or perhaps they’d also align themselves with my experience, thoughts and feelings. After all, every relationship is different, not all men think the same, neither do all women think as one bulk mass of femininity.

With that in mind, remember, I speak only form my own heart, and through the experiences that I have had in my own life. So, if you do not feel the same way, don’t panic, or assume that your feelings are wrong. We all feel, just differently.

Finally, before we get into the meat of the conversation. I am not a therapist, relationship expert or qualified doctor. I’m a barman, so I am all of these rolled into one. But seriously, take this as it comes, don’t think too much into it. I hope it provides joy, some answers to your questions and perhaps some insight.

I live in Scotland, my fiancé lives in Canada, West Coast, BC, that is 4,500 miles away give or take with an eight time zone different. When I wake up, she is two hours into deep sleep, when I finish work, she’s about to start her day. There are three countries between me and her, Iceland, Greenland (unless Trump has his way) and the entirety of Canada. Not to mention the Atlantic ocean.

We have been together for two years (You know when you know) and we are both very physical people. Our love languages are similar, if you believe in that stuff, and we both enjoy… quality time together (sex).

Now this isn’t an erotic novel, so if you are here for some details… move along dude, I ain’t shaming you, just find something else.

This is a diary of some regard on how I have delt with the distance, and how we make things work. I don’t intend on doing anymore of these ‘diaries’ unless there is a call for it, if so, like, subscribe and comment. Neither will this be a day to day diary on what we are up to, how we are doing… no, it’s a ‘advice’ transcript more than anything.

The first month.

We spent the best part of a year living in a one bedroom flat. We spent every evening with each other, every day off together and at times secured in a small apartment with no money to do anything outdoorsy, not even enough for a coffee.

Although we were very much in love before arriving at this condo, this is where we learnt about each other. Love someone all you like, you don’t know them as a person until you’ve shared a bathroom and kitchen together. Due to the fact we were both living away from home, our families were miles away, we had no real friends there, so we became friends, we became family.

We supported each other through some though times, through death, loss, isolation, financial difficulty and depression. It was healthy, it wasn’t overbearing, or oppressive. We had time apart and we arguments and disagreements.

Now fast forward to our current situation. We couldn’t be further from that reality.

Although I do not want to speak for my other half, the transition for us was vastly different. I had five days to get the flat packed, to move across country and start a job. My partner had to fly home and wait almost two months before starting her job.

I was busy, she was not. I think the first month for me was so chaotic that I struggled to start the process of processing the distance. Whereas she was flung straight into it.

Only these past three weeks has the reality of our situation truly caught up with me. Like a delayed fuse, it blew up in my face. It’s not that I didn’t miss her in those weeks prior to the explosion, I missed her like crazy. I just didn’t have time to realise how strenuous this was on us. How much fun we had together and how she is my best friend.

I expect her experience and mine are equal in almost every sense of the word. Only, I wasn’t able to register the separation for sometime.

How I feel now?

The truth is, I feel lost without her. Every time something funny or amusing happens at work I want to rush home and tell her. When I am having a hike in the Scottish highlands I want to take a picture of her against the low clouds, and stunning sunsets. On my days off I wanna spend them with her, just like I did back in that small flat. When I’m having a drink at a pub, and I am surrounded by laughter and joy, I want to see her stood there laughing.

Instead, I am alone.

All my life I have been a very physical person in relationships. I find it an intimate way of showing internal feelings. Now, I have to explore new ways to show her I love her, to express our love in ways that often feel unnatural or uncomfortable.

Each day I count down the days, today is 90 days. We have gone from… 150ish. The counting is hard, specially on long weeks, but it helps me personally. If I feel the days are going a little slower, I actively try to stop counting for a while, just until I feel like the number will be a pleasant shock.

Unfortunately, I am not one with a lot of friends anymore. I also live 800 miles from anyone I do consider a friend. So there is a deep, humbling loneliness that spreads through my small workhouse room at times. Some may think this loneliness will promote seeking comfort, not just of the flesh but of the soul, and perhaps as a younger man it would have. But, my only comfort is knowing I will be with her again soon.

I imagine a lot of you champs reading this will be worried about other men. Perhaps you lay there at night wondering who she’s with? Is she safe? Is she with another man? Is he attractive? Has she told him about you? Is she falling for him?

To which I reply… Do you trust her? If the answer is yes, then communicate your feelings appropriately. We are all human, she should understand and I imagine she has similar thoughts about you.

If the answer is no… then from experience, the relationship is on the way out the door, and you either talk to her or let it go. Don’t be the poison in the well.

How do we keep the spark alive?

Quality time together, communication and understanding.

I call her everyday, we talk on the phone for as long as we possibly can. Be it an hour or ten minuets, we utilise that time to ask each other questions about our day, or day ahead. We discuss drama at work, how we are feeling, what plans we have for the day and anything we need to get off our chest. It is a recreation of the conversation we would have after a long day and coming home to the flat.

Once a week we do a book club, this is usually on Sunday as it’s a day she has off work for the time being. We both sit down for hours on end and discuss the books we are reading. Right now I’m reading Frankenstein, she is reading a book that’s name has escaped me… uhh but its about a family dealing with the death of the matriarch, located on an ex-cotton plantation in the deep south, or Mississippi.

We’ll discuss this for an hour or more then move onto other subjects. Film, music or whatever takes our fancy.

Another project we have, and I feel that this one is far more rewarding for us as a couple, is planning out holiday in April. While it is a long way off, and planning a holiday can be stressful, we use it as a time to talk, and a time to cooperatively look forward to something.

While being stuck in a present can be daunting, the long weeks ahead, the months with no horizon and the uncertainty of my Visa acceptance. Planning a trip help take our minds off the present day, and get excited about something that lay ahead.

We try to space out the planning, we work on it in our own time, but we also collaborate and bring ideas together.

I’ve written a ‘how to guide’ on trip planning, read at your pleasure here:

So far we have chosen the destination, picked what we both want out of the trip, and have just finished planning our route through the country. Next we have to plan in detail a daily itinerary and then, buy the flights.

At the end of the day, keeping that spark alive is the most important part of a long distance relationship. Find common group, common hobbies and passions and spend time talking to each other.

About seven weeks into our separation, my partner noticed that I was becoming a little absent from our conversations. I’d drift off, or seem uninterested. I felt this wasn’t the case, and that I often became distracted by ‘stuff’ around me when we talked. So to combat this, we decided that it was best to facetime when possible. This helped open up our communication, she could see my reactions to things and I was less tempted by distractions.

Compromise.

LOve language dilemmas

Now I’m not sure if there is any science behind ‘love languages’ or if it is just another crystal loving, star humping hippy mumbo jumbo. Since learning each others ‘love language’ we have managed to use our time in a manner that fits our needs.

Unfortunately, we both have physical touch as our love language. This is possibly the worst language to have for a long distance relationship… However, there are ways around it, and I am not going to go into what those are here… well, this is Uncharted Thoughts, so maybe I should.

Sexting, private pictures, ‘quality time together on facetime’, and other more exotic ideas can be implemented if need be.

I also am a sucker for words of affirmation, my partner has quality time as her second love language. These are much easier languages to support in long distance relationships.

I’ve supplied a list of things you can do to help with each love language. Remember, all of these are great ideas, I doubt someone with words of affirmation will turn down a three hour phone call or virtual date. Just remember certain things are higher in another’s love chart than others.

Quality time.

Spending meaningful time together and giving undivided attention.

• Long, uninterrupted phone calls
• Date nights
• Movie nights
• Book club
• Gameing
• Cooking together
• Glass of wine and deep talk
• Question time (would you rather, if you had, kiss, marry, kill, fun chatter)
• Topic chats (I like to pick a topic, do some research into it and talk about our findings)

Remember, quality time together is not defined by the amount of time, but the quality of that time spent. Find somewhere quiet and try to remove all distractions.

Words of affrimation

Expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation.

• Comforting conversation about how you feel about each other.
• Reminiscing about adventures you have shared, and adventures you are looking forward too.
• Write down important elements of their lives, and come back to them often. Check in on them, and on certain aspects of their lives.

Personally, I think this is one of the best love languages to have while in a long distance relationship. While they all have their challenges, word of affirmation is by far the easiest to maintain.

Acts of service.

Acts of service is another complicated love language to have, typically acts of service include house work, opening the door, or pulling out seat for your girlfriends and other… well acts of service.

• Help with tasks online (help with study work and other homework).
• Organise online events (games nights, quizzes, book clubs) be the one to organise.
• Plan something together (holiday or show off a dream home, go house shopping online)
• Although it is not everyone’s cup of tea, Role Playing Games such as Dungeons and Dragons are a great way to communicate through character and play. It can be used across almost all love languages.

Receiving Gifts

• Love letters
• Care packages

Easy guys, bit more expensive, but there is no price on love.

boys… lets talk.

Lads, lets talk. This isn’t this first long distance thing I have had. This is by far the most powerful, and real thing I have ever experienced and our engagement just shows how much this means to me, to us.

In my other long distance relationship, it collapsed within six weeks. Why? Because the truth is, long distance only works if the foundation of the relationship is strong, and love is present.

If you have a girl that you like, she lives fifty miles away and you can’t drive. That fifty miles feels like fifty thousand. Why? because you like her. If you love her, fifty thousand miles will feel like fifty.

Even the strongest relationship can bend and break under the pressure of long distance. So, coming into it with half a heart, will prove to be destructive.

Under the slightest pressure, the lines of communication can break down, the phone calls will become less frequent and eventually temptations will creep into your peripherals.

All men are created different. Some of us are more sexual than others, some of us have vices that others do not. If you are prone to the vices of the flesh, you can still do long distance, only you have to be extra virulent of temptation. It is a chink in your armour, one that will and can be exploited by people that wish you and your relationship ill-will. Guard yourself well.