Uncharted Thoughts.

I have no friends, not really. I have people in my life that are bound to me by routine, but I have none that are here through love.

It is a hard thing to admit, that one has no friends. With it comes two perceived reactions; first that perhaps I am a person of ill will and that I am not deserving of friendship due to my nature. The other is pity, a frown and a ‘aww’.

It is stranger still, to have once had many many friend, to then have drifted into a lonesome existence with the passing of time.

Once my room was filled with the laughter of adolescences, later my kitchen with the stench of happy teenagers, and now, nothing. No cry of pleasure or joyful scream of ecstasy, just silence, and the deep sense of loss and grief.

I have people, of course. There is one I’ve known since I was 3. He lingers here and there when I am needed. There is another, one I have loved and lost like a brother, he texts me, ‘Happy New Year Brother’. Another I am sure thrives of my grief, and visited an ex-girlfriend half a country away over a free sofa and to meet my fiancé.

I could name them all, here and now, but saying them or even typing them brings them to life again. I’d rather they stay in their coffins… and I in mine.

My table, in my parents house, hosted feasts that Medieval banquets would have been jealous of. From parties of grandeur, and nights of a bottle shared between two. The crashing of picture frames and the smashing of wine glasses once pierced the night.

Then, one day I stopped calling. I stopped the parties and the feasts, I stopped the role playing nights, the movie evenings, the BBQ’s and for a moment I waited.

Nothing has come since. No calls, no invites, no texts, no questions. It is as if I vanished from the world.

Apologies for the deep, somewhat depressing and self pitying post. I have just finished watching Stranger Things, and the last scene brought out something that has been hidden away for sometime.

I just wanted to get it out, first step of realising there is an issue is acceptance.