Uncharted Thoughts.

It is time to get deep and personal, to address something that has had a profound effect on most men at least once in their lives.

The male loneliness epidemic is something we have all struggled to address, and failed to find a solution. Yet, I think the solution is to obvious, and undemanding.

Some people blame video games, others blame toxic masculinity, and of course a large portion of men blame women.

To me, the answer to this issue is so blatant, I struggle to understand those that don’t see it. A lack of community, and shared spaces.

The onslaught attack from the left, and from ‘progressives’ on male dominated areas has caused a vacuum in male social circles.

When I was younger, I was popular. Not like Mr everyone wants to be me, but I had 40+ friends. Had parties and got invited to places. I never felt lonely, of course besides the teenage angst that faced all 00’s kids at the time.

I remained popular, though the groups split into different directions, until I was 24ish. Me and my friends would go out clubbing or pubbing, watch movies, get stoned, drive around town causing a menace. Almost every day I would see someone.

I won’t pretend that women didn’t cause an issue in my personal situation. Of course girls would complicate otherwise relaxed and fruitful friendships, but that isn’t blaming women in general. We just happened to land some nasty ones amongst the ranks.

When hit 24, people were going their separate ways. Some went to uni, others had important jobs and life just happened. The late night drives, the boozy nights were vanishing. Only one group of misfits remained, and that group was by far the most poisonous.

I left the group, it was messy, and I never really gave an explanation. The truth was, they were all becoming quite horrible.

I was always the bringer together of people. I had parties at my house on a monthly basis. I would organise trips, and BBQs. Everything was left up to me and the second I stopped calling, I realised that no one was there.

So, once again, I started another group of misfits. Dragonforce, a Dungeons and Dragons group that met once every other week. The group included 5 lads, all from different backgrounds, who enjoyed rolling dice and drinking beer. I, as usual, prepared the evenings, wrote long sessions and hosted.

Once again, once I stopped calling. No one was there.

Since then, I’ve moved around a lot. Jumping job to job, town to city, and I haven’t had a stable friendship group in maybe three years.

No one has come to visit me. Not one person has bother to make the 5 hour drive, 3 hour train or hour flight to come and see me.

I sit in my flat, sometimes alone sometimes with my fiancé, look back and realise that no one was ever there. They just used me couch, my kitchen and fridge to fulfil a desire. It was never about me.

Now look at women, look at the incredible friendships they hold onto. They remember each others birthdays, buy each other gifts and celebrate their friendships. They look after each other, at least that’s how it feels.

Between 11-14, I was very much in friendship groups with girls. It wasn’t until later in my teenage years that I found friendships in boys. Not that I didn’t have male friends, only ratio wise, I was surrounded by girl friends. I always remember feeling wanted, that they cared for me as much as I did for them.

So, the issue isn’t with video games, women or toxic spaces. The issue is there are no spaces. That we don’t check in with each other and we don’t care enough about our friends. We don’t call, we wait… and eventually no one calls at all.

Why then do we not care? Why do we not keep connected? Why do we let the distance of a busy life get in the way of our friendships?

I often gloat about my discovery of the Neo-Nazi group operating in Manchester. How I shut the group down and drew attention to it so the police could find and prosecute those involved. It should also be noted before continuing that their opinions, their conspiracies and racist opinions do not excuse what I am about to say.

But to some extent, I feel sorry for them. Was their group founded on shared hatred? or were they just looking for a place to belong, or a community were they felt human connection? Perhaps they were just racist, imperialistic weirdos, but something tells me that they might have just been lonely men.

Toxic male spaces are often led by toxic leaders. Maybe if we sorted out whatever issues cause us to be alien to those we love we can form male spaces that are not Neo-Nazis or sexist pigs? Maybe if the left let men be men, and to find their own communities without shaming them for it. Maybe this loneliness will go away.