Uncharted Thoughts.

A bit of word vomit on endings and new beginnings and I guess a update on my life.

Philosophy has worked its way into my life in various and often curious ways over the last year. Although I have often pondered over the big questions of our fragile existence, even as a young boy. Only in these past twelve months has philosophy truly taken a tight grip in my life. Marcus Aurelius planted his symbolic Stoic seed in my wandering mind and over time, a tree grew, and from its branches seeds, that I hope have fallen into the laps of passing friends. There is a fine, fine line between teaching and preaching these philosophical lessons and I often find myself crossing it with heavy forceful boots. To preach is an emotional voice, one that fills the listener with emotional stimulation. Teaching, is to relay information in a factual manner to fill the minds of the listener with facts or theories. Although both are equally important in society, I think it is far better to be a teacher than a preacher, especially when it comes to philosophy. So, although my quest continues to teach those precious few around me about the wisdom of Marcus, I am foolish to believe I am not also a novice preacher of these ancient beliefs and often a broken record.

Not for the first time in these past twelve months, I have found ancient philosophy to be a comfort in times of change. Last week I was offered a placement at Salford University, to study News Journalism as an MA, a topic I have become fascinated with since my undergraduate course back in 2022. While this is incredible news, with it comes some negative setbacks… no, negative perceptions… no. I struggle to find the word, anyway.

I have to return to my hometown and find a new job. I have to go back and live with my parents for a little while. I have to do another mundane job for the next six months and live with financial caution. I have to go back to that small, still, haunted town.

As some readers may already know, for the past eight months I have been living in the Lake District in the United Kingdom in a well known Hotel and Spa. Although the job itself was at times mundane and poorly managed, I met some of the most incredible people I have had the pleasure to work with. People from different upbringings, countries and religions. A rag tag group of lost souls seeking a place to work, earn, hike and a place to house us all together. We laughed, moaned and shed tears together, we were to some extent a large dysfunctional family.

I remember hearing about a show my parents used to watch in the 1970s called ‘Upstairs, Downstairs’. Although I never watched it myself, at least I can’t recall ever watching it. My mum explained it as the upstairs being the rich and famous, and the downstairs being the common folk, the workers and the ones that kept the world floating while the upstairs squabbled over love affairs and fashion choices.

This is exactly how working at this Hotel felt. The rich and famous would enter through the picturesque drive way in their Porshe 9/11, or off road Lamborghini, quickly followed by their extremely handsome girl or boyfriend. Handsome yes, plastic yes, soulless yes. Their sole job is to make their rich counterpart look desirable and successful, to be looked at not spoken too. They’d leave their luxury vehicles with four Gucci suitcases packed with Louis Vuitton clothing, their wrists clinking with the sound of Rolex and Swarovski as they hand them over to a malnourished nineteen year old who doesn’t get paid enough to deal with the whining of the privileged, but does anyway. Collapsing into the super king beds neatly prepared for by staff members working under the national living wage. Argue for the next three hours over what they should wear for a night at the dimly lit, well furnished restaurant that charges double the money for a cocktail because it has a flower in it so they can get likes on their beige colour schemed Instagram. Only to return for a night of passionless drunken sex.

Just like a perfect painting, while the rich sip on fine sweet wine, inject themselves with materialistic riches and self importance, under them, behind the stone driveway, the downstairs are sweating for pennies. Yet, there is no passionless sex, or arguments over dress sense. We laugh at our own and each others misfortune, we drink cheap cider and smoke hand rolled cigarettes that someone bought back from Spain on their four day, all inclusive, on sale, vacation. Each night, while the rich sleep, we live a life far above any they could even dream of. If only they knew what was ‘above’ the flashy cars and shinny jewellery. I talk of course about the company we share, a tribal belonging that doesn’t cost, doesn’t shine or value itself over anything else. It just settles itself down next to like minded people, with a warm can of larger in one hand and a stinky cigarette in the other.

It is in itself against Marcus’s Philosophy to impose an opinion on others, to direct anger or thought towards the rich or the famous. To direct emotions and time towards something out of our hands, to waist those precious moments on something futile and, to some, petty. So once again, in my teachings and preaching’s I have complied here in this blog, I have failed to show Stoic values. Yet, there is something here that is stoic, something maybe beyond even that. It is not in materialistic items that we find lasting happiness, it is in each other.

Anyway, moving on to what this is all about. Since finding out this incredible news, I have left that hotel and returned home to my hometown to save as much as possible before heading off for my next adventure. In leaving, I have found a sadness. Sad to leave those great people behind, some of which I will no doubt never seen again and only revisit them in dreams and memories. No doubt I will bump into others on this winding road of life, some I may even pass by without noticing them, or perhaps I will beep my car horn at them if they cut me off on a junction without even knowing they are behind the wheel. One or two I may actually say hi to, grab a coffee and ‘catch up’ with. But, be it next week or in the months that follow, those precious moments where we are drinking cheap beer and talk trash about the poor management will be gone forever.

I usually don’t register endings prior to their appearance. I drag myself towards the finish line, ignoring the passing days that holla in my direction, ignoring that impending chequered black and white flag. Then, with a gawking surprised look, I focus on that strange blurred fabric, that flutters in the breeze as it comes into focus. Only then do I realise I only have two or three steps to go, that my part in this adventure has come to a end. Then, all of a sudden, I am faced with a reality I was not prepared for. A abrupt ending and find myself at a crossroads. I would either ignore these feelings brush them under the already cluttered rug and continue without thinking, or I would panic. Try to spend as much time with those that I was closest to over the year(s) or months and be filled with anxiety and unproductive emotions. This time however, I went to philosophy for answers.

Low and behold, I found wisdom in those ancient texts, and once again, Marcus hits the ball out of the park as is expected. Yet someone unexpected came to light, another philosopher has joined the rankings of Marcus, especially on the matters of beginnings and endings.

Marcus wrote in his journal meditations, that one should ‘Observe constantly that all things take place by change, and accustom thyself to consider that the nature of the Universe loves nothing so much as to change the things which we are, and to make new things like them” and that we should ‘Observe constantly that all things take place by change’.

When we wake up in the morning, get out of bed and make our toast. In this small period of time we change a great many things, we start by changing out state of consciousness, we go from asleep to awake. We walk down the stairs rather than stay put. We take bread and put it under heat to make toast. We add things to that bread to make it tasty and to add nutrients. All these changes are good, all these changes are necessary. As all changes are. Just like the seasons of the planet, like the seasons of our lives, from spring, to winter, from young to old. So why should we be afraid or saddened by change, for not only is it unavoidable but it is constant. Also, not all change, if any, are bad. We get old yes, but with that age comes wisdom, experience, new faces, new moments. Spring turns into summer and summer eventually into winter. This is good, for without the winter, animals will not rest, the rains and snows will not nourish the soil. Without cold, there would be no valleys, mountains or glaciers. Although it is often seen as the worst month, it is necessary, as all changes are.

After taking some of this knowledge, I realised that the changes I was undergoing, was good. That with it, I would grow. Yes, I will be saying goodbye to friends, that I will be leaving the Lake District and return to my hometown. However, I will be visiting old friends, walking on old ground and start a new chapter. One filled with possibilities. Perhaps, you are going through a change right now? You are wondering, how on earth am I going to embrace this new way of living. Well the simple answer is… you just will, and with it new friends and memories will be made. Try to apply this philosophy to heartbreak, to careers and friendships and you will see that endings are not all that bad.

There is another quote Marcus blesses us with. It is to ‘spend liberally’ on education and knowledge. Although we often compare the word spending, to finances. I think Marcus meant this in other ways also. That we should spend more than just money on our education. We should spend time, our most precious resource. I was asked, some time ago, would I take £5.000.000.00? I said of course. Then after a couple sniggers trying to work out why someone would say no to this easy question I was told, “but the condition in taking the money, you wont wake up tomorrow”. This, although cheesy, is effective in its message. Time, no matter how small, is far more valuable than any earthly material. It is with this precious time that we sell for minimum wage, it is with this time we should spend as wisely as possible. I may be looking into this too much, perhaps Marcus was talking about spending his coin, however, for me, having read a lot of Marcus and Stoicism, spending time is far more valuable than money.

So, dear reader. If you are like me, and are wondering about the future, pondering over if it is worth the change, worth the move, worth the money or time. The answer lies within your own priorities. I wish to be a journalist, to get out of rubbish jobs, to move forwards and have a career worth my time. To do this, I must sacrifice my time, in turn, sacrificing time spend with friends, or spent in the hills, or on rubbish jobs.

I have found other philosophers interesting, as mentioned in my blog post ‘Stoicism saved my F*****g life’. Yet, when exploring the realms of thought on endings and beginnings I found Lao Tzu (be him myth or real), a philosopher I have never heard of.

I do not wish to preach here, nor display a false understanding of Taoism as I am new to its teaching. However, the quote that attracted me to Lao Tzu, and ultimately to Taoism was ‘New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings’. Simple, and powerful. I pondered over this for a while, as if seeking some sort of hidden treasure within the wisdom. Yet, this wisdom does not hide its treasure, it is direct. We do not know our own ends, nor even what the next chapter holds. We are blind souls, wondering though time, no, no we are blind souls in which time wonders through, as we hope it gifts us an easy and prosperous ride. The end of one good time, does not have to be the beginning of a bad one, rather it is a necessary ending to a period that’s time has concluded so that we may grow.

Taoism also suggests that death, is not final. That we will return to the Universe, that we provide food for the earth and our energy floats back to where it once was.

Although this may be a stretch, I found this Taoism belief to link into a program I watched recently, Midnight Mass. Although the premise of the show is primarily horror. Within it, there is a conversation between two old friends. Like most wine nights, the conversation gets onto death. What happens when we die? One of the characters Riley Flynn, is a ‘rational’ person, he believes in science and is a strict atheist. While the other, Erin Greene, believes in an after life. Although they both have their separate beliefs, one in God the other in science, they come to a strange agreement on what life concludes to. There is however, a monolog that took me by surprise, I rarely have these moments in art, but both Flynn and Greene perform these incredible monologs that take viewers by surprise. While Erin’s monolog matches, to some extent the Taoist belief of immortality. It is in Flynn’s that I find some comforting peace, peace in the fact I may revisit these goodbyes again.

Some of Flynn’s monolog :

“Maybe my brain releases a flood of DMT.

It’s the psychedelic drug released when we dream, so…

I dream.

I dream bigger than I have ever dreamed before, because it’s all of it. Just the last dump of DMT all at once.

And my neurons are firing and I’m seeing this firework display of memories and imagination.

And I am just… tripping.

I mean, really tripping balls because my mind’s rifling through the memories.

You know, long and short-term, and the dreams mix with the memories, and…

It’s a curtain call.

The dream to end all dreams”.

With this being said and with some hopeful superstition, I will continue to drift through life trapped in this fleshy body. I will look back at my time spent at the Lake District hotel with fond memories. Although we are all uncertain what becomes of us when we are dead, perhaps, in my mind, as I am drifting towards whatever heavens or hells await me. I will revisit these memories with clear sight. That I will, once again, see my friends. Which is an encouraging thought.